


For You Blue

by GulJeri



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GulJeri/pseuds/GulJeri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the Dominion War, and after the book "A Stitch In Time" in which Garak has written letters to Julian during the reconstruction of Cardassia. Julian's marriage to Ezri seems hollow. Can he find an answer, and a new life, with Garak?</p>
            </blockquote>





	For You Blue

For You Blue

I've loved you from the moment I saw you  
You looked at me that's all you had to do  
I feel it now I hope you feel it too

~ _For You Blue_ -The Beatles

Julian stepped off of the shuttle into the dry, midday heat of Cardassia. Looking around it was nothing like the first sombre and heartbreaking description that Garak had described in his letters from during the reconstruction. There was still plenty of dust of course but that was only due to the environment itself. Julian actually enjoyed the way that the fine sediment settled onto his pristine Starfleet shoes. There was something very /real/ about it.

Lately Julian had felt that he was lacking just that simple reality.

He shouldered his bag and made his way through the busy streets alive and well with Cardassians. He couldn't help but admire the strong, proud people, who had rebuilt their world from the ground up. As far as he could tell everything looked fantastic. The buildings still had the feel of being new, and even the structures themselves seemed to radiate a sense of pride.

He stopped near a large monument to Damar, and glanced at the inscription, before heading onwards.

Julian had waited two more years after he had received Garak's letters, written during the trying time of Cardassia's reconstruction, to actually take the man up on the offer he'd left at the very end—that Julian was always welcome to come and visit.

In the time that Garak had been away from the Station Julian's life had changed in ways that he would have expected to have been for the better. He and Ezri had married, and shortly after become pregnant. Their son was now a curious three year old with his father's dark complexion and his mother's Trill markings. He was a wonderful, beautiful boy, but there was something different about him. He didn't interact with his environment the same way other children of his age should have been. He came by each of his developmental milestones late, and he was still using only a few basic words in his speech when he should have been beginning to grasp short sentences.

It was discovered that some of Julian's enhanced DNA had broken down and reverted when passed on to his son. The boy was no different that Julian had been at that age. Ezri of course had been entirely over-worried about it, while Julian was quite accepting and patient. Selfish as it seemed, the knowledge that the boy carried some of Julian's /original/ DNA made Julian feel a very special bond with the boy. Julian had thought he had lost his original self long ago, but in that little boy, some of 'Jules' still lived on.

But that was when things began to get rough with Ezri. Her worries for her sons development became an obsession. She would practice and work with the child for such long periods of time and become frustrated with a small child who had trouble paying attention. The 'educational sessions' would often end with both mother and child having meltdowns. Julian hated the way his little face would get so red and angry, bunched up as he pulled at his hair, and screamed and cried because he couldn't understand the things that his mother wanted him to.

"You /baby/ him," Ezri would say, a look of contempt flashing in her eyes.

"You're /glad/ he's this way, aren't you?"

"We have to work harder to help our son live a /normal/ life. Don't you /care/ Julian?"

There were many others, and though Julian did try his best not to fight in front of the boy, Ezri knew how to push at his most sensitive buttons and sometimes it would come down to that anyway. Julian began to examine his relationship with his wife more closely, and he came to the realization that there was more between them than the arguments. He had loved her for a time, but shortly after they'd been married, just after she'd become pregnant, something had shifted in Julian's mind. He realized that he was quite physically attracted to Ezri, he did care for her, but the bond he shared with her... it just didn't match up to certain other relationships that he had had. The deep sort of friendship he had had with Miles. He missed the man dearly. He sometimes pined away for the gruff Irishman to come around the corner at Quarks and hand him a fistful of darts so they could play as usual. He missed their grand adventures in the holosuites. He missed their long talks. Their strolls along the Promenade.

And there was Garak. He had taken at least one meal a day with the man for years. Ah, the conversations that he and Garak would carry on. He missed that exceedingly so. The way Garak would tilt his head when he was interested. The way the man constructed sentences as beautifully and meticulously as he constructed the clothing on his store racks. The offered chocolates, the little gifts (even though Julian never did really get into Cardassian fiction), and even the obvious flirting and innuendos that Garak never ceased to toss his way.

Why did he feel such stronger connections to either of his male friends than to his own wife? Wasn't that odd? Perhaps there were just some things that two men could share with each other that a woman and a man couldn't. But something about the realization had continued to bother Julian until /another/ thought had come to his mind.

He had to know.

He had contacted the hospital he had been taken to as a boy, to have his life rewritten before it had even began. Adigeon Prime.

They'd sent him the samples of his original DNA that he'd asked for.

Now so many more things were weighing heavily on the doctor's mind as he approached the home of Elim Garak.

Julian lingered by the gate, smiling, and listening to the cheery humming. It was coming from the man who was knelt amongst a beautiful garden and tending to the plants. It was such an odd relief to see Garak. So much had become unfamiliar after the war. Almost everyone whom Julian had gotten to know before and during the war had moved on. The only real constant was Quark's... and there was only so much of that particular Ferengi that one could handle.

Julian's smile widened into something bright that hadn't graced his face for quite some time when Garak began to actually talk to his plants. He murmured to them as if they were precious little children.

"Garak?"

Garak turned towards the familiar voice, his eyes widened, mouth ajar. He blinked several times as if he didn't quite believe it.

"I'm not a hallucination or a delusion. You did invite me to visit, didn't you?"

"Ah! But of course!" Garak rose to his feet and rubbed his hands together to knock off some of the extra dirt, "dear me, but I'm filthy. I would have been more presentable had I known you were coming, my dear doctor."

"It's fine, Garak. I must say I'm amazed that you've gotten such a beautiful garden to thrive in this arid climate."

"I've got a couple of green thumbs, I suppose," Garak said, feigning modesty, "but come in, doctor. I'll make us some tea. How was your shuttle ride? What is life like on the station these days? Are you still with that irritating—I meant to say—delightful young Trill?"

Garak tossed questions at Julian as they walked the path towards his home, and then up the steps, and into the entrance.

Both men stopped to removed their shoes. Garak was fussy about the way he kept things. There was to be no dirt tracked in onto the flooring, he said, still chattering while Julian hadn't even had chance to answer the first twenty questions. Julian had always found the enigma of Garak to be quite enthralling. Dirt on the flooring was a vile sin, but had Garak been in the position where he needed to do away with a man, a dead body on the carpet would simply be another day.

"It was nice. I had most of the shuttle to myself. There aren't many people coming to Cardassia for purposes of tourism. Life on the station seems rather drab these days, to be honest. I suppose it's lacking your certain brand of wit."

"And charm," Garak added, grinning.

"Of course," Julian agreed, sitting down on a sofa, "and yes I am still... married... to Ezri."

Julian made no attempt to hide the fact that he wasn't particularly pleased with that fact. Garak would have picked up on it anyway. Julian could already see the gears working behind those pale blue eyes.

"Ah... interesting. I'll go get our tea."

Moments later Garak reemerged with a tray of tea, and saucers with delicate little biscuits and fine chocolates.

"I made these myself," Garak said, snatching one of the biscuits, and enjoying it.

"A baker now?" Julian asked, picking one to try as well.

"Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Whatever I can to keep myself occupied. But the children do refer to me as 'The Tailor'. They like to come and play in my yard. I do rather enjoy it since I don't have any children of my own," Garak paused to sip his tea, "What about you and Ezri? Are there plans for... mini Bashirs?"

"I'd say it's a little late for plans. We've already got one. His name is Jadzi and he's three years old."

Julian reached for his bag and pulled out his PADD and brought up some of his favorite Jadzi photos to show off to Garak.

"What a lovely boy, doctor. You must be /very/ proud."

"I am," Julian said, returning the PADD to his bag, "and you must be proud too, Garak. Cardassia looks simply amazing. I wouldn't have guessed it had been touched by war at all."

Garak laughed, but it wasn't exactly a pleasant sound.

"Well, I will agree that the rebuilding went quite well. However, it doesn't look untouched, but you weren't here before the war, so you'd have no way of knowing that. It still isn't the same Cardassia I knew as a youth. But it is a /new/ Cardassia. I can feel the promise of a strong future for my people. The signs of our strength are everywhere and I do take great comfort in that. Cardassia has survived and we are carrying on against and despite the odds."

"You're certainly made of tough stuff, Garak," Julian added, taking another buscuit.

"Mm. So, doctor, what brings you here to see me?"

"I've missed you."

"Oh, I'm flattered. But that can't be all. As you said, there aren't many riding the shuttles to Cardassia for purposes of tourism."

Julian sighed. He really hadn't wanted to get into such heavy discussions right off the bat. There /was/ indeed something that he wanted to discuss with Garak. But now that he was here he wasn't sure he could bring himself to do it. He was just enjoying being back in the other mans company. There was a very strong sense of normalcy about it. A normalcy and routine that Julian had been distinctly lacking in his life as of recent years.

"I suspect—correct me if I'm wrong—that perhaps you and Ezri are having some... difficulty?"

"As astute as ever, Garak," Julian replied, placing his teacup down onto the tray, "I'm not sure I care to be married to her any longer, to be honest."

"Then you've come to tell me you're leaving your wife! You want to know if you and young Jadzi can come and stay with me—to recover from the years spent in a hollow marriage. But of course, doctor! My home is your home."

"Garak..." Julian couldn't help but let a smile twitch at the corners of his mouth at Garak's eagerness. It truly was just the same as if neither of them had ever left the others company, "I... you know that's not possible."

Garak sat his cup down as well. He tilted his head, studying the doctor.

"But why isn't it? There's plenty of room in my house. I'm /lonely/ here, doctor, and you'll need a place to stay. There are as I said before plenty of children and I'm sure little Jadzi would get on with them splendidly."

Julian reached over and rested his hand atop Garak's. The Cardassian looked down at it.

"Garak, you are a very dear friend of mine. But... your desires and mine only align up to a certain point."

"You'll have your own room," Garak insisted, almost petulantly, "I won't harass you."

Julian laughed.

"Yes you will. I do believe it's one of your favorite pass times."

Garak looked slightly abashed at that. Both of them knew it was true.

"I could... keep it to a minimum."

"No. Garak, I can't. I can't give you the kind of company you truly desire. Not the kind of... relationship you've been wanting all these years. I can only be your friend and I think it would be... unfair to exist right under your nose, in your very home, perpetuating these feelings that can never be."

"They're perpetuated whether you're here or not," Garak admitted, quietly.

Julian felt a painful hollowness opening in his stomach. The crawling sensation of guilt creeping up his throat.

"I'm... sorry, Garak," Julian took his hand away from Garak's. He stood and then paced to the other side of the room and settled near a window that overlooked the garden.

Julian was clearly agitated as he brought one hand to his mouth in thought, dark brows knit together, hating the place that he was in just now. The faint reflection that met him in the polished glass window seemed like an odd ghost. Jules. His true self a shadow lost.

"Why?" Garak asked, his voice emboldening, "tell me why you can't. How can you know if you've never tried? You've never given me the proper chance!" Garak was standing now, too, and Julian spun to face him, snapping.

"I can't because my genetics won't allow it!"

A silence fell over the house just then.

So, he was out with it. It had come up much sooner than he would have liked but Garak did have a way of getting to what he wanted quite easily. Julian sighed, and hung his head for a moment, pressing his fingertips into the lines his brows made as the pulled inward and downwards in a frown.

"Jadzi has similar learning difficulties to what I had as a child. Some of my genes that were passed onto him had reverted to their original sequence. That among other things got me to thinking, once again, about what sort of man I would have become had my parents left well enough alone.

I decided to contact that hospital on Adigeon Prime. I asked for samples of my original DNA if they still had it, and they did, and they sent some of it. I studied it. It was... so very surreal. It was like looking in a mirror and for the first time in over twenty years actually seeing the /real/ me.

I... would have been so different, Garak. My parents engineered so much of my life. /All/ of my life. They took away what I might have made of it one my own. Jules never got to exist. He couldn't be allowed to because there were so many problems with him. So many things that were /undesirable/. My parents wanted an intelligent, successful son. They wanted that son to grow up and marry, and reproduce little Bashirs, to keep the family line strong. So they made quite sure that all of those things would be. Do you understand what I'm saying, Garak? My DNA was played with all the way down to my sexuality. I'm specifically wired to be heterosexual. I /can't/ be with you, Garak. I literally /can't/."

Julian watched Garak's expression crumple. The Cardassian didn't even attempt to hide it.

"I... see," Garak said, seemingly disturbed by this.

Indeed the news that Julian was genetically enhanced was old. But even he hadn't suspected until recently that even something as basic as his sexuality might have been tampered with. He was sure that such a thing had never crossed Garak's mind either.

"Can it be reverted?" Garak finally asked, "if your son's DNA has reverted then surely there is some way that parts of yours can be? That is—if it was something you wanted."

"Oh, Garak, I do want it. Now more than ever I feel like an /imposter/ in my own life. I just don't know that it can be done. The change in Jadzi's DNA was something that happened naturally—perhaps even an odd fluke. But mine would have to be tampered with once again and... no matter how many times, or how many ways, I weight it in my mind... I just don't know what to do, Garak. Sometimes I'm convinced that I should just continue my life with Ezri. To live with the desires that someone else has implanted within me. But I've come to realize that they may have changed my DNA... but there was something they couldn't touch."

Julian rested his closed fist against his chest.

"I think the problem is that my heart beats free of any genetic alterations. I believe it belongs... to you. That's what I was afraid of all this time, before I knew that I was engineered to be genetically heterosexual. I was frightened because I felt something for you but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to explore it. The feeling here did not align with my biology and I didn't want to sort out that conflict. I enjoyed being your friend. That was enough for me. Until... recently. Now that I know how I would have been had I not been tampered with... I'm more confused that ever."

Julian pressed his back to the wall and slid down into a seated position, his long legs drawn up close to his body, chin resting on bony knees.

Garak sat down next to him.

"But if I continue to live a lie... what example do I set for my son?" Julian's voice broke a bit at that, and he rested his forehead now against his knees.

Garak offered a comforting hand on one shoulder.

"None of us are the same person we were as a child. All of us have been shaped, bent, and twisted by people and events in our lives. You're no different from any other person, except that you've been bent and twisted a bit more than most. Sometimes people can live with those odd bends. Sometimes they need to fix them. I don't think it's a question of 'should you fix this'. I think it's a question of... can you live with how they've twisted you up?"

"I'm not sure I know that answer yet, Garak," Julian said tiredly. He felt exhausted, as if the weight of the universe was pressing down onto him, "would you mind if I lie down for awhile?"

"Not at all, doctor," Garak rose and offered a hand to help Julian up.

Julian followed Garak to a cozy guest room. He curled up onto the bed and fell asleep scrolling through Jadzi's photos in his PADD.

-x-

Garak had been graced with the doctor's company for no less than three weeks. After the initial complications and looming concerns that the doctor was facing, their time together had lightened. Both men were quite enjoying the others company. Garak was glad to find the doctor relaxing as he had been more than a little worried for the doctors mental health when faced with such things.

Garak was an early riser, but the doctor had taken to sleeping in, which suited Garak just find. He could putter around in his kitchen, or in the garden, or mending clothing for most of the morning and have those things done and out of the way before Julian wandered downstairs in rumpled pajamas and cowlicked hair.

Garak was currently hemming a pair of trousers as he sat on his porch and watched the neighborhood children play. Their laughter brightened his day as much as the bright flowering plants did. The children dodged easily in and out of the plants, playing tag, tackling one another, and rolling around in the dirt.

"Mr. Garak," one of the younger boys approached him, looking pouty, and grimy with dust, "Damar pushed me down and my pants are torn."

The boy indicated the left knee of his trousers which was indeed split.

Garak glanced over to the boy in question—Damar-a name that had become exceptionally popular for infant boys after the war.

"That's nothing to worry over. I'll mend it right up for you," Garak mended the rip easily, as the boy stood, watching him with interest, "there you are, good as new... though after rolling in the dirt they could do with a good washing. Now wait a minute—don't run off. Look, do you see that bush over there?"

Garak pointed to a rather large bush growing near the fence, and the boy nodded.

"Push Damar into it. It's full of thorns. He won't pick on you again."

The boy wrapped his arms happily around Garak's neck in a hug.

"I'll push him. /Hard/," the boy shared a wicked little smirk with Garak, and then took off down the porch steps and back into the yard to carry out his plot.

Garak chuckled.

"You have an interesting way with kids," Julian said.

"Oh! I didn't know you were spying," Garak said, looking up to see Julian's lanky frame leaning in the doorway.

"Come and sit with me, doctor."

"You do know you can call me Julian?" the doctor asked as he sat down in a chair next to Garak, "Ah, the do remind me of Jadzi. I miss him. A lot."

"My offer still stands," Garak said, returning to the trousers he had been hemming.

"I'm well aware."

"I... might have contacted a certain hospital... on Andigeon Prime," Garak continued over Julian's squawk of protest, "I simply had a few questions for them and I thought you might be interested in the answers. They have done some surgeries to reverse certain aspects of genetic re-sequencing. They would be able to help you there... if you were interested in that sort of thing."

Garak continued his mending as if the conversation was completely casual.

He and Julian spent a good part of the day on the porch watching the children play. Garak talked a lot, but the conversation was mostly one-sided. It was obvious that Julian was in deep thought.

"I haven't made up my mind to do it," Julian said two days later, as Garak stood at the counter chopping vegetables for their dinner.

"It is a big decision," Garak said, dumping the chopped vegetables into a pot of boiling broth, and then wiping his hands on his apron.

"Yes, but I do want to go to Andigeon Prime. I want to speak with them in person about this. I want to know just what it means. What I could expect. I... want to know more."

Garak took this as a good sign.

"I'd like you to go with me," Julian added.

Garak took both of the doctor's hands in his.

"Of course I will go with you," he answered, affection for the other man clear in his eyes.

"Good. Then it's decided. I'll see to arranging our transportation."

"After dinner," Garak added, "I'm trying a variation on an old recipe—my own spin on it. I don't want you spoiling your dinner becoming consumed with travel arrangements."

"I'm sure it's wonderful, as has been everything you've prepared while I've been here. At this rate, I might need you to let my pants out a bit," Julian half-joked.

"I'd be happy to let you out of your pants, doctor," Garak grinned.

Julian laughed.

"Oh, I'm sure you would."

-x-

The hospital on Andigeon Prime was cold but it wasn't just the temperature that was sending chills up and down Julian's spine. The sense of dejavu was very strong and unnerving. Memories that had just been shadows from his childhood were now as real as Garak's hand—which Julian was clutching to in a rather juvenile manner.

He was frightened. He couldn't help it.

But having Garak there, and of course Kukalaka tucked under his other arm, did help to continue taking one step after the other down the sterile hallways instead of turning and sprinting out to catch the first shuttle to anywhere but there.

The doctor who met them was very old, and Julian recognized him, which was even stranger.

"Ah, little Jules Bashir all grown up. I didn't think we'd be seeing you again. We did quite a thorough overhaul."

"I know," Julian said tersely, clutching both Garak and Kukalaka a bit closer.

"You still have that same teddy bear. After all these years," the doctor mused.

"Yes, and I've added a Cardassian to the collection," Julian quipped, using his wit to try and distract himself from the jitters in his stomach and the wormy sensation crawling beneath his skin.

"Well, I would be more than pleased to speak to you about your concerns, and your options, regarding the reversal of various enhancements. It isn't often that we get such inquiries, but it can be done. But I am afraid that I'll have to discuss it further with you in private."

The doctor turned his eyes to Garak, indicating.

Julian was reluctant to let go of Garak's hand, but then he felt silly. He wasn't a small child any longer. He was a grown man and in fact a doctor himself.

Reluctantly Julian did let go.

"Alright," he said, "lead the way."

The discussion lasted for many hours. With Julian being extremely intelligent, and a doctor, he understood aspects of the procedure that many laypeople wouldn't, and so his questions and concerns were much more intricate and eventually the two doctors lost themselves in a discussion of various topics related to DNA. Oddly enough, Julian thought that had this man not been involved in his enhancements, he probably would have quite liked him.

At last the two men were quiet and Julian thought to himself as he subconsciously stroked the worn fur on Kukalaka's head.

There were risks involved.

But there were risks in everything.

There risks in day to day mundane life.

This was his chance... his chance to have a bit of /himself/ back.

"I want to do it," Julian said, his voice coming out more confidently than he had imagined it would.

"Very good," the doctor said, and he slid a PADD-like device across his desk and towards Julian to sign.

With a few quick motions Julian signed his name.

A name he hadn't used since he'd been a teenager.

/Jules Bashir/.

Just that easily he had consented to take back a part of his life that had been stripped from him at seven years old.

Julian and the doctor shook hands, and he went back out into the waiting room, where Garak was nodding off.

"Garak?"

The Cardassian awoke with a start.

"Ah, yes, my dear doctor?"

"Perhaps you should call me Jules."

The two men traded pleased smilies.

Julian didn't tell Garak about any of the risks involved. He was sure that Garak was intelligent enough to know that there would be some.

Julian was admitted to the hospital that day. He had to undergo several pretests before the actual procedure. He felt like a lab rat and simply wanted it to all be over with but as a doctor he knew how these things worked. He was eternally glad for Garak's company. For the nonstop chatter. It certainly kept his mind off any worries he had left.

The room was rather small but Garak seemed to be doing well with it. Julian was half expecting Garak's color to pale, for his breathing to change, and for him to panic and rush out of the small space at any second. But as the time passed Garak seemed to be far more comfortable here than Julian was. Perhaps they both settled one another to some degree.

When night came along Julian insisted that Garak share his bed—for sleeping, of course. The chair that Garak was often seated in surely wasn't comfortable enough for sleeping.

Garak didn't really have to be convinced.

Julian scooted so there was room and he felt oddly more comforted than ever when the Cardassian was settled down next to him.

"Are you okay with this? It is a bit of a tight fit for two grown men," Julian asked, watching Garak's face closely.

"I believe I can manage," Garak said, giving a small and sleepy smile.

Julian did something very out of character, then. He leaned in placed a quick kiss to that sleepy smile.

"What's this... practicing for after your procedure?" Garak placed a hand on Julian's arm, tracing a light pattern onto the brown skin.

"I just... wanted to see what it was like?"

"And?" Garak inquired.

"I... think I'll enjoy it more after the procedure."

-x-

The procedure had gone well, and after another day at the hospital just to tie up loose ends, he was discharged. His feelings for Garak had certainly intensified and there was now very much a physical attraction to go along with the affection. Julian felt more alive than he probably ever had. More himself. More /real/.

He and Garak took a bit of a stay on Risa. For the first time Julian was completely uninterested in any of the women there. He and Garak checked out attractive men together, and while Garak still picked out a few women he fancied as well, Julian toyed with the scales that patterned the side of Garak's strong neck.

The two of them took their time exploring one another. For Garak it was a desire he had entertained for years and had never imagined he'd actually get to explore. For Julian it was like a child just truly discovering the world around him. Garak's body, and his own, was new and wonderful to him. Each touch, each sound, each breathless moment was alive, and vibrant, and cherished.

After Risa the two stopped off at the Station.

It was time for Julian to get his son, and deliver the news to Ezri, that their marriage was finished.

Julian sat down and explained everything to Ezri as Garak played with Jadzi.

Ezri began to sob, and then to yell, both heartbroken at his news and angered that he'd gone off and done this on his own with absolutely no discussion with her about it.

"You're /tearing apart this family/ Julian!" Ezri screamed, her voice breaking on a sob.

Garak would have thought that being a therapist she would have found more constructive ways to deal with conflict between herself and Julian, and her own emotions.

Garak picked up the child who was beginning to fuss and become upset at Ezri's emotional outbursts.

"We need to work through this!" she shouted, swiping at her wet face.

"There's nothing to work through, Ezri. I'm sorry you've been hurt but you can't tell me you honestly thought that our marriage was working lately? The feelings we felt for each other... I think they had become nothing more than fumes. And now I've changed. The physical attraction that I still held for you doesn't even exist anymore. There's nothing... except that I can be /me/ now."

Ezri continued to weep, and to pace, hiccuping sobs.

"I want to take Jadzi with me. I understand him better than you do. I was like him as a child and... I can tell that it's a struggle for you to accept him the way that he is. He doesn't need endless lessons. He doesn't need your frustration. He doesn't need to be /changed/. His mind is made the way that it is, and what he need, is acceptance, patience, and love."

"I /do/ love him!" Ezri cried, "I just want what's best for him!"

"Then let him come with me."

Ezri looked over to where Garak and her son were playing.

He wasn't fussing any longer.

Garak had managed to distract him somehow from the tension and emotions between his parents. The boy was /laughing/ as Garak lifted him into the air.

"Warp ten!" Garak announced, beaming as much as Jadzi was, and seeming just as boyish in his delight as he flew the boy around.

"Fwy!" Jadzi giggled, over and over again, "fwy, fwy, fwy!"

Ezri sniffled, and nodded, tears still dripping.

"Alright."

-x-

Life on Cardassia seemed ideal.

Garak and Julian were very much in love, and little Jadzi was a pure delight. He did enjoy playing with the other children quite a bit and he took a liking to Garak immediately. Jadzi was an early riser like Garak, so Garak always took the boy out to the garden with him and let him explore the flowers.

"This one is native to Romulus. It's a type of rose. Touch the petals... aren't they soft?"

Jadzi nodded.

"Thoft," he repeated, tiny fingers carefully touching.

"And do you know what color they are? They're blue."

"Bwoo," Jadzi repeated.

"Now, don't touch there, those hurt," Garak said, pulling the flower back when Jadzi tried to reach for the thorny stem.

"Ow?" Jadzi asked, large brown eyes looking up at Garak.

"Yes, Jadzi. Ow."

"Bwoo?" Jadzi asked, touching Garak's hand.

"Grey," Garak said, allowing the boy to trace the back of his hand, over the ridges of his knuclkes, between and along his fingers.

"Bwoo," Jadzi insisted.

"Apparently, I'm an Andorian," Garak said to Julian at lunch, "I'm bwoo."

"Are you?" Julian asked, amused.

And life continued much in the same vein as that from day to day. It was a very pleasant, domestic, sort of situation and both Garak and Julian seemed perfectly happy to exist in that way from then on out.

But Garak began to notice subtle changes in his partner.

Changes that were piling up and nagging at Garak harder and harder.

"Garak?" Julian asked one day, "where is the apron?"

"It's in the same drawer that it's always in. Don't you know?"

Julian stood in the kitchen attempting to puzzle it out.

He obviously couldn't remember, and he opened various drawers, before finally finding it. He dropped it, and picked it back up again, slid the loop over his head and then fumbled without success to tie the bow in the back.

"Let me help," Garak offered, tying it for him.

Garak hovered over Julian as Julian prepared their dinner.

Jadzi was under the table playing quietly with some toys as the two men interacted.

"Jules... what exactly is the difference between a pre- _ganglionic_ fiber and a post- _ganglionic_ nerve.

Julian halted his stirring of the yamok sauce, and stiffened.

"It hardly matters. I'm no longer practicing medicine."

"Oh, I think it does matter," Garak insisted, not at all liking Julian's evasive behavior.

Julian licked his lips and stared down at the yamok sauce, as if it held the answeres.

"Fiber is... well. Fiber... helps to regulate the digestive system and nerves have nothing to do with that."

Garak paled.

Even he knew that wasn't the sort of fiber in question.

"There's... something wrong, Jules. We have to contact those doctors. There's something /wrong/ don't try to pretend there isn't! I've noticed all of it. You're becoming forgetful. Clumsy. Your mind..."

"My mind is just /fine/," Julian insisted, snipping a bit. He returned to stirring the yamok sauce, though rather fiercely.

"It's not /fine/," Garak hissed.

He didn't want to start shouting or raising his voice in front of Jadzi.

Julian sighed.

"Alright, so I'm no longer a super-genius. So I've become a bit clumsy. Not a big deal, Garak. I'm enjoying my new life and I don't care that I can no longer recall the difference between a pre-ganglionic nerve and a post-ganglioncic fiber."

"A pre-ganglionic fiber, and a post-ganglionic nerve," Garak corrected.

"Then, that. Either way, it doesn't matter to me. I'm quite happy. Happier than I've ever been. Please don't fret over this. I'm simply an ordinary man now... who is very blessed to have a beautiful son, and a wonderful lover."

Garak softened a bit, but he was still concerned about this.

However for now it was sat to the side.

But as time wore on it was obvious that Julian was continuing to decline—and rapidly. It had been just over a year since the procedure and though he and Julian were very happy together... Garak wished that he never would have mentioned it.

"Your /mind/ Jules... but you had such a beautiful mind!"

"And it still isn't?" Julian snapped, irritably. He hated these discussions that centered around his deterioration. As far as he was concerned he seemed to want to ignore the entire thing.

But Garak couldn't.

"Yes... it is... but I would've never wanted you to sacrifice it for-"

"No, Garak. It had nothing to do with what you wanted. This is what I wanted. I wanted this life with you, with Jadzi. I've told you time and time again... I'm so happy with the two of you. Please, don't put this onto yourself," Julian took Garak's hands in his, "it was /my/ decision. I knew the risks involved."

Garak stiffened.

"You /knew/ that this could happen?"

Julian blinked several times, slowly realizing that he'd never really mentioned that to Garak before, and that perhaps he shouldn't have.

"I..." Garak pulled away from Julian, resting one hand on his chest, which was suddenly becoming tight and uncomfortable, "I... can't believe that you... knew."

"I just wanted to be a little bit myself again, Garak, so I took the risk and hoped for the best."

Tears were stinging at Garak's eyes, though they were not yet falling. He was still shocked that Julian had knowingly went forward with the procedure that had such risks as these.

Garak moved back over to Julian, and took his beloved face gently between his hands, and when he looked into those deep brown eyes his tears did fall. He wept for Julian, and for Jules, and he pulled his love into his arms and held onto him so close. He was terrified that this man he loved would be taken from him. If Julian continued to deteriorate, where would that leave them?

Would his DNA reversal stop at what it would have been had he been left untreated as a child? Or was it completely broken from too much tampering? Would it spiral even further downward...

-x-

It was Jadzi's fifth birthday. Garak had made a special cake for him, and invited the neighborhood children. It was a lovely party set up in the garden of course. Jadzi was just delighted with cake, and with the company of the other children. He was still behind the other children his age but had made some progress. It seemed as though he had a hard time with their concepts, with separating some things from others, and he was awkward but very likeable. His attention was still something that was quite difficult to maintain but Garak had learned certain ways to settle him and help him to concentrate a bit more than he had been able to before.

After the cake had been served—something of a traditional Terran nature, and not so much Cardassian, so the Cardassian children had thoroughly enjoyed it—Jadzi stayed behind at the table while his friends ran off to play.

"Aren't you going to play with your friends?" Garak asked, dabbing a bit of icing away from his lips with a napkin.

Jadzi climbed onto the table and carefully plucked one of the freshly cut roses from an arrangement that Garak had put together.

He held the flower out to his father, who sat in a chair, next to Garak.

"It's you fav-rit," Jadzi said, "Rose. It's blue."

The boy still had trouble with some words, and his sentences were short and choppy, sometimes they fell just shy of making sense. But they were sentences none the less.

"Blue..." Julian repeated, reaching out towards the flower.

"No, don't touch. Hurts," Jadzi said, laying the flower down in front of his father.

Garak reached over and held Julian's hand.

"You... are blue... too?" Julian asked, looking down at their clasped hands.

"No. Garak gots gray."

"That's alright, Jadzi, if your father wants to think that I'm blue. I don't mind."

"Okay," Jadzi said, and he climbed down from the table, and he ran off to play with the other children.


End file.
